♥ShanteRenee♥

Ron Pope- A drop in the ocean

2011-09-19T20:50:00.001-05:00

A drop in the ocean,

A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.

I don't wanna waste the weekend,
If you don't love me, pretend
A few more hours, then it's time to go.
And as my train rolls down the East coast,
I wonder how you keep warm.
It's too late to cry, too broken to move on.

Still I can't let you be,
Most nights I hardly sleep.
Don't take what you don't need, from me.

Just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.

Misplaced trust and old friends,
Never counting the regrets,
By the grace of God, I do not rest at all.
and New England as the leaves change;
The last excuse that I'll claim,
I was a boy who loved a woman like a little girl.

Still I can't let you be,
Most nights I hardly sleep,
Don't take what you don't need, from me.
A drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my

Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore no, no
Heaven doesn't seem far away.
Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore no, no
Heaven doesn't seem far away.

It's just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.
You are my heaven

Because I Am Who I Am

2011-08-24T19:11:00.000-05:00

Reading my bestie April's blog makes me want to write about me. Generally I don't like to write negative things. I like to cast them off and forget about them. I like to log the positive things, but for now I just want to write.
I want to talk about money and why people are so obsessed with it. Honestly I think people place too much of their self worth on how much money they have. They think I'm strange because I don't care much about it, and how I would rather work two jobs that I like rather than one that I hate where I make more money. I know that I need to make enough to support myself and my child, but if I can do that and enjoy myself while I am doing it I don't see why I can't. I want to enjoy life and I want to find a man who I can enjoy life with.....which obviously leads me into my next subject....relationships. I don't feel like I have to be in a relationship. I am happy with the way things are right now, but eventually I am going to want a man in my life again. I want a man who is good to me and my daughter, who works hard, and it would be nice if my family actually liked him. I want to be able to travel. There is so much of the world to see for me to just sit here in the good ol USA.

On a completely separate and no-related topic. I miss my dad so much. I randomly thought of him today and living without him for the past year has been hard enough, how am I going to do this for the rest of my life? People say it's supposed to get easier, but it just seems like it's become easier to hide the pain. I wish I could talk to him one more time, just to tell him I love him. Hug him and tell him I love him. My dad was a great business man who ran his own construction company for a very long time. I use to spend my summers traveling with him to the job sites where I would try to help, but I probably just got in the way. He never let me know I was in the way and he always kept his patience with me. I was his baby girl. He only met Jayden a couple of times before he passed away but I will make sure she knows for the rest of her life that he gpa loved her so very much.

Jayden is up crying so I need to go be a mommy and help her sleep... :-)

And A...And A...And Another One

2011-07-13T19:30:00.000-05:00

LOL My title isn't clever and some people might think it's downright stupid but who cares huh? Not me. Anyway it's been a while since I've posted anything. I generally post when I want to vent about something but my life has been really good here lately, which is great. I got not one, but two jobs in the past month, so I've just been working. I enjoy working, it lets me take my mind off anything that may be bothering me......one sad thing did happen thought a friend of mine and I got into a slight argument. We've been friends for about 11 years now, and it was bound to happen, but it really blew up....he told me to never talk to him again. OMG it hurt my heart so much. Honestly I didn't think I would get so upset about it....so I let him go, but then he kept texting me saying random stuff. Like "well good luck with everything." So finally I said look this is hard enough if you really don't want to talk to me anymore we need to cut this off now. I don't want to drag it out. He apologized and said he was being childish and that he was sorry. Things are better now. :-) ♥

I lost another friend though but this one was by choice. There are some people in your life that no matter how much they love you or haw much you love them, the relationship just isn't healthy for either of you. It's hard to let a person go, but sometimes you just have to grow up and do what's best for you.

My daughter is AMAZING! She is sleeping in a big girl bed now and it's a blessing and a curse at the same time. I love that when she wakes up she can just come and get in the bed with me so we can lay there and watch TV or when I am getting ready in the morning she just comes in the bathroom and smiles at me, BUT when I'm trying to make her go to bed, she can climb out as many times as she wants and that makes it more difficult to make her go to sleep.

All in all I can say that I am at a really good point in my life ♥

No Feelings?

2011-05-30T15:05:00.000-05:00

I talked to an old friend of mine last night about my life and my past relationships and the emotions I went through when they were ending. What he said to me shocked the hell out of me....he said that he couldn't see me being like that. He said I give off this "player" vibe and that I seem like I don't even have emotions. That is probably the craziest thing I have ever heard. I completely wear my heart on my sleeve, which is why I get screwed over so much. I let people know what they are going to get from me up front, and I am honest about everything, even when I probably shouldn't be. Truthfully, I can be mean... I can be really mean. I know exactly how to get to people and what to say to drive them crazy, but as mean as I can be I can be just as sweet. I am thoughtful, loving, caring, ect..... When I am in a relationship I give my everything and more. I need to work on this because I don't want people to think of me as this hard shell of a person with nothing to give but anger and sarcasm because I have so much more.

This is Hilarious!

2011-05-27T00:08:00.001-05:00

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/8394/15-most-popular-autocorrects-from-april-2011/

Compliments

2011-05-17T21:29:00.000-05:00

I use to be really bad at taking compliments....I mean what do you say? Mostly you give one back but what happens when you don't have anything nice to say.... you don't say anything at all. Yesterday I was talking to someone and he said, "I miss you guys." Honestly I didn't know what to say because I don't miss this person, so I didn't say anything and after a few seconds of silence I just said, "I'll talk to you later." BUT today while talking to a friend he said, "I use to have the biggest crush on you, when you came around it's like the world stopped." I was truly flattered because I absolutely love to be around this person. I miss him to death and I wish I could hang out with him more. I am generally completely oblivious to how people really feel about me. I am so wrapped up in having fun and keeping it that way, that I don't see people's feelings beneath the surface. I didn't say anything back, not because I didn't have anything nice to say, but because I was taken aback by this news. I now wish I would have said something, anything. I wish he would have told me before, but too little, too late.

Talking About It

2011-05-15T22:02:00.000-05:00

A family member of mine asked me about Jayden's father today when it struck me that I don't talk about him anymore. I don't say anything at all about him...hell most of my friends and family don't even know his name. It's just that for so long every time I opened my mouth something bad about him came out... I got tired of being that person who held so much resentment that I quit opening my mouth. In the past 6 months I have spoken to him exactly twice. It doesn't even make me sad or upset. There for a while it did, but I've moved on. If he wants to be a part of his daughter's life then he knows how to contact me. I spent alot of time feeling guilty because I felt like it was my fault, but I realized if he wants to be in her life badly enough then he'll find a way to put himself in her life. I tried for so long to keep the peace and be understanding about his many "situations." I've listened to him complain about how wrong everyone in his life has done him, and I did so with caring and compassionate ears. Don't get my wrong... I love him....I'll always love him... but that doesn't mean I have to like him. This is the last thing I'll say about it.

♪Cause I'm moving on Letting go holding onto tomorrow I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be♪

ABC's Of Shante

2011-05-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

I stole this :-)

A. Age: 26….Getting so old

B. Bed size: Queen…enough room for me to lay however I want without falling out

C. Chore you hate: Dishes….I love to eat but hate doing dishes!

D. Dogs: I don’t have either of them anymore, but my doggy Jody and Caly were my favorite!
E. Essential start to your day: I need to get up early…I hate getting up early though but I feel like I can’t do anything if I get up late

F. Favorite color: Green, there are so many pretty shades! Except lime green…that’s just wrong

G. Gold or silver: Silver….or white gold…never yellow gold

H. Height: 5'5”

I. Instruments:  I play nothing

J. Job title: Mommy

K. Kids: Just the one sweet/sour little girl

L. Live: Alabama

M. Mom’s name: Yvonne….not yuhvonne….it’s like whyvonne

N. Nicknames: I don’t really have any but crazy seems to be pretty popular among my friends

O. Overnight hospital stays: yes when I had my babes 

P. Pet peeve: UGH when people try to use big words to make themselves seem smart when they don’t even know what the word means, when people talk on their phones while trying to order food, check out at the store, and people who try and make everything in their life seem better than everything in yours

Q. Quote from a movie: “life is like a box of chocolates” classic movie quote

R. Right or left handed: I tend to write with my right hand but do everything else with my left

S. Siblings: Tiffy!!!!

T. Time you wake up: Whenever my babes wakes up….looooove her

U. Underwear: yes all the time….

V. Vegetables you dislike: brussel sprouts

W. What makes you run late: I’m always late…no reason needed

X. X-Rays you’ve had: I’ve had them but I can’t remember why

Y. Yummy food you make: I make nothing…..i want other people to make me yummy food

Z. Zoo- favorite animal: Monkeys 

Thanks April!

2011-05-11T21:09:00.000-05:00

So my bestie April posted on her blog that she is going to train to run a marathon....so I am going to copy her and do the same. I am posting this on here because if I put it in print it makes me more likely to do it and the people who read my blog will ask me how I am doing with my training which will make me more inclined to train harder. I am pretty out of shape right now so I am thinking I a going to have to start training just to get in shape to begin marathon-training. As I do before I start anything I research it. I read that you need to be able to run for at least 30 minutes straight before you can even begin to train. I am so excited that I have a goal now! Thank April!

Busted (in my DJ Pauly D voice)

2011-05-07T14:06:00.000-05:00

As I'm chatting with someone on FB the yesterday, the conversation went a little sour. Me and the guy had talked on the phone and texted (btw what is the past tense for text?) for a little while but it never really got serious, then I found out he was having a baby with someone and I pretty much quit talking to him. Yesterday as we are having a conversation he tells me he's mad at me because I dropped him like a bad habit. I asked him about the baby he had and he tells me he doesn't want to lie to me and yes he did just have a baby and asks if that means I don't want to "talk" to him anymore. I say his kids have nothing to do with the reason I don't want to talk to him, and he responds with I didn't really have a baby I just wanted to see where your head was at and my source must have gotten it wrong. I then forward him the newspaper article stating that he has just had a son on the same day people were congratulating him on his Facebook page for something. I haven't heard anything from him since. I guess he just knows there is no way he can talk himself out of this situation and decided to give up. That was the best thing for him to do.....I'm still laughing about it :-P

Love This Song

2011-05-06T01:39:00.000-05:00

This is an amazing song and I love this band. My daughter broke my iPod and my wonderful family got me another one for my birthday so I can walk around the house with music in my head again.

Birthday Love

2011-05-05T20:16:00.000-05:00

I always spend my birthday with my family. I love to spend my birthday with my family for several reasons. #1 because although it's sad I know they aren't going to be around forever and when I look back I want to be able to remember looking at my mom while she sang "Happy Birthday" to me....not being drunk on the side of the road because my tire went flat while my best friends boyfriend, who is also drunk, tries to change it, while waiting on a third party to come and get us (although that was fun.) #2 My family was there on my very first birthday, so they should be there for all the birthdays after. No matter how good your friends are, your family is always number one. Your family will always be there for you. #3...well I really don't have a #3. I clearly remember my last birthday....I went to see my father. I didn't know it would be the last I spent with him, but I remember every detail all the same. I thought of him yesterday....but for the first time I didn't cry, I smiled because he was. I smiled because I got to spend 25 wonderful years with him and even though my time was cut short, I still have all those memories that I will never forget. I love my birthday, and I don't mind getting older, I just get better with age. I grow more mature and learn from my past mistakes. Here's to 26 more years of life and love.♥

I Want You To Want Me

2011-05-02T14:40:00.001-05:00

I have discovered the 10th Anniversary Edition of 10 Things I Hate About You I love this movie first of all because it is just a good movie, second because I love Shakespeare, and third because I love the actors in this movie. I am only writing this in the blog to explain the title.

Recently I have developed a......gasp..... liking for someone. We've been hanging out for a while now and when I'm not with him....I kind of.... miss him. Since my last relationship was a huge flop I am very cautious when it comes to trusting men. I don't even think I know how to be in a relationship anymore. I don't know if I know how to trust people. I mean I've told him these things... the feelings are out there on the table and it's not like I'm being stand offish but I'm just not sure that I'm ready to trust anyone yet. I just don't know if I should try and get over my fear or if I should just wait til I'm ready, which could be who knows when. It's already been a year and a half, which I suppose isn't that long in the scheme of things. But what if I find someone who is a really good guy and I pass him up because I'm not ready? I understand that you shouldn't force things, but I just don't want to pass up something that could be good for me....it could help me get over my trust issues or it could make them worse. I guess only time will tell who is being honest and who isn't....

Mother Nature

2011-04-28T08:42:00.000-05:00

A large scale tornado ripped though Alabama yesterday. As of right now the death toll is at over 100. My family and I were fortunate enough to have made it through without any damage done to us or our property but my thoughts are with the people that have lost loved ones. Twisters came close to the three most important people in my life. One hit by where my mom lives, one where my sister lives, and one where my step-dad works. Our power plant was hit so most of the northern half of the state was without power for a long while and most will be without for a few days more. I am fortunate enough to be able to stay with my sister, who has power, while they work on getting mine back on. During the whole thing, my daughter was just laughing and playing, and getting pretty mad because I wouldn't let her go outside. I just didn't want her to get swept away by the strong winds since she's so tiny. The workers at Widows Creek are working around the clock to get our power back on, so maybe we'll all have something soon.

Mom Aren't You Gonna Help Me

2011-04-22T19:14:00.000-05:00

Since Jayden started walking, when we leave the house I let her walk out the door and to the car. I normally hold her hand the whole way, but today I walked a little behind her just to see what she would do. When we got to the end of the sidewalk, I thought maybe she would try to walk into the parking lot by herself, but she turned around, looked at me, reached up, and put her hand in mine. Now for some people this wouldn't mean so much but since I look way too much into things it made me think about the future. Kids always look at their parents as super heroes. Someone who always has the answer and someone who can always help you when you need it. I am nearing 26 and I still feel that way about my mom. What happens one day when she turns around and reaches her and up to me and I'm not there? What if she comes to me with a problem I can't fix? Right now all she wants me to do for her is help her step down off the sidewalk, but in the future she's gonna want me to do more. Advice about friends and boyfriends. It just makes me a little nervous about her growing up. :-(

The Past

2011-04-16T14:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if the things that I am going through now are a product of all the bad karma I let out from my past. I wasn't the nicest person, I wasn't very respectful of other people, and I didn't live my life the way I should have. It's been many years since I've been that selfish person, but now it seems that all of it is coming back to haunt me. I've been going through alot here lately and I've been letting it get to me far beyond what I should have. I was even given a second chance to do something good, but I pretty much blew that because I was wallowing in my own sorrows, but no more for me. I am going to find a way to get out of this slump I'm in so my daughter and I ca go on living our lives the way they were meant to be. I have an old friend that I talk to sometimes and he might not know it but I take the advice he gives me to heart. He seems to have done pretty well with himself, so he must have been doing something right. I just hope it isn't too late for me to get out of this and move on.

I love this movie

2011-04-13T01:12:00.001-05:00

As I walking through good ol' Wal-Mart looking for things i don't need, I suddenly see a movie that I have been looking for forever! I loved it then and I love it now.

I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.

:-(

2011-04-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

So in a previous post I talked about a guy who said he wanted to hang out and be friends. Like most people when he said this he meant he wanted me to get to know him as a friend so he could try and date me. When I responded to his request to hang out I explained to him that I am not in a good place with guys and while I could use some more friends, I am not looking for a love interest. So I get a text from a number I don't have in my phone and when I asked who it was I got no answer just another message like the first one. I hate it when people play games on the phone, if you are going to text me and you know that I don't have the number you are texting me from, I think you should start out with "Hey this is (insert name here.) People change their numbers and here recently I got a new phone so some of my contacts got lost in the transfer process so I thought maybe I knew the person. I called the number and realized I didn't know who it was and as I am trying to figure out who it is, he still won't tell me. Finally he tells me he got my number of Facebook (which I thought I took it off because this exact thing happening.) I'm really not trying to be a bitch about the situation, but I thought I made it clear that I am not looking for someone. I hate when people think you are just playing "hard to get" or that they are the exception to the rule. I would have like to be friends with this person because he seems like a nice guy but now that he has made it clear that he is looking for more than friendship we can't even be that. Oh well....

bored and alone....this is never good

2011-04-07T02:40:00.001-05:00

because it is so late i am going to throw grammar out. no capital letters for me tonight. anyway, i had two friends fly in back to back the first one came the 22nd of last month and stayed til the 26th and when i went to drop then off i picked another friend up at the same time. i had so much fun with both of then but i was glad to have a little alone time after they left, but it turns out i didn't get any. my much loved sister came and spent the night with me, then my new found old friend and i started hanging out. now for the past two nights i have been completely alone and i am super bored......this is never good. i got so bored i sent a text to someone i haven't spoken to in months. I can on;y hope that i have the wrong number or that it doesn't go through because i just really don't want to open those gates again. i just get so bored and bad things happen......idle hands are the devils playground....dammit someone come hang out with me lol

Just Not Ready

2011-04-06T16:58:00.000-05:00

I recently got a message on FB from a guy asking me if we could hang out...(if you are reading this I hope you don't mind that this is about you... I won't post any names) Normally I wouldn't mind, I need new people to hang out with, but am very guarded about who I associate with. Yes I want new friends, but ONLY FRIENDS. I am so not ready to be in a relationship yet nor am ready to hang out with someone who thinks our "friendship" is eventually going to lead to something more. I have "talked" to a couple of people, and by talk I mean text and FB chat, but when they find out I am not willing to "give up the goods" and go out with them, the friendship they were so desperate for with me dies out quickly. It amazes me that guys at this age are still "chasing tail" LOL I try not to cuss on my page or I would have said something else. I thought it was something that only happened in high school. It's a new thing for them then and they want whatever they can get. As it turns out high school behavior follows you far beyond graduation. Anyway the point of this blog is when is the right time to try and take a chance on another guy? Another relationship? Will I feel the right time? Most people say listen to your heart, but look at where that has gotten me, 26 with a divorce under my belt and with a baby who's father could clearly care less about me or her. So do I listen to my head because it's telling me all men are the same and I will be better off sticking to myself, but I don't want to end up a crazy cat lady. Any and all advice or comments are welcome :-)

A dream I dreamt of you

2011-04-05T16:28:00.000-05:00

I dreamt of you last night as I often do, but this time it was different. There are so many questions that always run through my mind when I am talking to you in these dreams. "Why? Could I have done something different? Was this the life we were meant to lead? Should it be taking so long for me to get over this?" In my dreams you can never answer me and it didn't change in this one, but somehow it was different. When I saw you I hugged you because it has been so long since I have seen you, and you hugged me back, you hugged me so hard, I could barely breathe. "I miss you." That was all I could say. I did most of the talking as always. "I could have helped you....we could have done something." "I've always loved you girls, it's okay, I can't stay long but I want you to know everything is going to be okay." Just to be honest I don't feel like everything is going to be okay. I still feel like the world is crumbling down around me and 75% of the time, my smile is something plastered on for other people. I'm not okay and I don't think I'm going to be okay. "Time heals all..." Not this time..... not this pain. It feels like a cancer spreading slowly throughout my body and taking over my soul. It feels like I died when you did.

Super Smart Baby

2011-04-04T14:52:00.000-05:00

My baby is so smart. There are so many things that she does that just amaze me. I don't know about the stages of development, but I do know that the things that she does, most other kids her age don't do. Like when she pretends to talk on the phone, she'll put her hand up to her ear or anything she has in her hand at the time. Or when the phone even rings, she'll put her hand to her ear and "say hello." She speaks her own little language, but I can understand her most of the time. Like when she points randomly around the room, I can hear her say "kitty" so I know she is looking for the cat. I wanted to get her a puppy, but aside from the fact that I don't have time for one, she doesn't like them and screamed at her one encounter she had with one. Back to her being smart. She helps me put her clothes on her. After her shirt goes over her head, she knows it's the arms next and she'll put them in the arm holes, sometimes she misses and gets mad, but the point is she knows how to do it. She has a little scooter bike that has a princess block that locks onto the front and she knows how to lock it on all by herself. I know that most studies show that even when most babies develop faster mentally than other children they all end up at around the same point in kindergarten, but just knowing that my little spider monkey picks up so quickly on things makes me happy. Yesterday while I was reading her a book, she just sat quietly on my lap and listened to the story, pausing sometime to point at the pictures. I just love her so much and am blessed to have her in my life.

My Final Attempt

2011-04-01T13:28:00.000-05:00

There are some people that I don't want in my life anymore.... but how do you tell someone who really hasn't done anything wrong to you that you don't want them in your life. I just feel that these people aren't "good" people to surround myself and my child with. So, after changing my number and not giving it out again, the next step was deleting my Face Book page. I will bring it back after a certain amount of time and hopefully these people will never contact me again. I wish I could be the type of person to just ignore someone but I feel that it's a little too childish for me, and like I said they have really done nothing wrong to me, it's just the way they chose to live their lives and the morals they carry. So maybe this will work, if not then the next step has to be the direct approach to actually tell them "Sorry I don't want you in my life."

My Baby's 1st Bday!

2011-03-27T20:53:00.000-05:00

Jayden's Cake

Cupcakes

Smash Cake

Loves her bike

Baby's 1st Bday!

Courtesy of April Lauren Photography

Jayden and her Kitty

2011-03-18T10:28:00.000-05:00

Most people would think that J would be pulling her tail or hitting her, but all she does it pet her and want to lay with her... she'll rub her face on the cat's face and love on her.

The Best Baby Ever

2011-03-17T01:43:00.000-05:00

Everywhere I go people always tell me that my baby is so well behaved. I think sometimes people just say things to be saying something to you, but she really is the best little girl. So far I have been so lucky in my journey through motherhood. I had a fairly easy pregnancy, no sickness, no really bad pains, nothing crazy. I had a really easy delivery, I wasn't even there for 10 hours before she just came right out, and I have had an easy time raising her so far. She started sleeping through the night at about 2 months old. She eats so good. She lets me know when she's hungry. MOST of the time when she's tired she just lays down and goes to sleep without all the crying and mess. She gets kind of upset when I don't sleep with her, but that's something else I am going to have to deal with when she gets older. She started walking right at around 11 months. She helps me put her clothes on her. She knows that her shirt goes over her head and that she's supposed to put her arms in the sleeves. She's such a smart baby. Her first birthday is coming up and I am so happy that all the people that love her are going to be here to share it with us, including my very special friend who will flying in for the party! :-) So I'm confident in saying that I definitely have the best baby in the world.

Strange Feeling

2011-03-13T07:14:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a feeling that something just isn't right? You're not really sure what it is, but something in the world is just off? Well I have that feeling today. Kind of a nervous feeling is the best way I can put it like something has been thrown off balance and something is going to happen because of it.... either I am going crazy or I am going to have one hell of a post later on today... we'll see.

Baby Girl!

2011-03-13T03:43:00.000-05:00

The love of my life is my daughter. She has changed me so much since I have had her and she is the most amazing little girl. It amazes me how quickly she has changed over the past year. She went from being this helpless immobile little baby to a walking, babbling little toddler. She wakes up in the morning and smiles at me and starts talking. When we go to sleep at night she always makes sure that she is cuddled up to me in some way. She's eats like there is no tomorrow. When I put food down in front of her it practically disappears. She loves everything and even when I give her something she doesn't like, she keeps eating it just because it's food. She is starting to be a little bit shy and when someone walks up and talks to her she'll bury her head in my shoulder. I get so many compliments on how pretty she is. Of course, she has great genes! I am trying to get things together for her first party because I want it to be a great one for her. I know she won't remember it, but I want her to look back at the pictures and know that she was surrounded by the people that love her the most! 17 more day! ♥

Too Emotional

2011-03-08T02:31:00.000-06:00

I find that when I go back and read some of my posts I no longer agree with the things that I've said which is why I go back and delete them. It's not because I think that I can change the fact that I once felt that way or change the fact that I have already put the feelings out for others to read, but I can change the fact that I have to leave them there for people to read. I tend to write when I am feeling particularly emotional about something, which is why I decided to wait a while before writing anything else. Maybe all of this will stay this time. I have been going through some major life changes over the past few months and now I think I am ready to share.

I've decided that for ths first time I am going to renew my lease on my apartment for the first time anywhere. I have been traveling so much for the past few years, but now I am staying somewhere for longer than a few months. I was in Texas in 2008, then moved to Michigan in Oct of that year only staying until May of 2009. I then moved to Illinois and after only 7 months there I moved here and I have been here for a little over a year.

I already posted a blog about changing my major but I am so happy with my decision. I understand that everyone who wants to be a nurse needs to be a professional but the program that they run at the school I am attending teaches you one thing but expects you to practice another. I just found it too impersonal and contradicting of itself. Accoutning is going to be good for me. I am good at math and I think working alone makes getting things done a more pleasant process.

I've decided that I will be raising my child on my own. It's kind of strange too because Jayden's father's other "baby mama" actually said to me "good luck raising your child on your own." I'm actually paraphrasing because I won't put excatly what she said but it turns out she was right and I am raising my chid on my own. This was the toughest change for me because choosing to remove the other parent from your childs life is a very hard one and there are many things that need to be taken into consideration. I feel that in order to be a good parent you must be willing to put your child before yourself and I don't feel that the father is willing to do that. Also both parents should be financially responsible for a child and he definately wasn't even trying. She'll just get twice the love from me.

Finally I have decided that I am not going to enter into another realtionship until I can be comfortable just being alone. If I can't make myself happy then how is someone else going to be able to make me happy. And if I can't be comfortable being alone then it kind of seems that I'll date someone just so that I won't be alone.

Hopefully all of these changes stick, but if they don't I'll just take this down like it never happened:-)